Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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