That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
