Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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