So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
