Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
