My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
