the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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