well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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