When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She needs sedatives and a leash
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
