Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
