I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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