your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
