mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
