I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
you had me at cake vodka
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
