All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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