This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
