I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
