im having a threesome with these popsicles
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
