I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
