I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
