You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
