hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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