Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
