well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
