my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
