you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
