The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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