was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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