mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
