I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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