he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
