shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
