if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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