Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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