I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
