Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
