I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
