good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
