Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
