my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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