Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
