Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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