thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
