Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
