I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
