YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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