Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
