Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
