just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
