You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
