you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
