The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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