My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
