Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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