my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
