i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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